Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly!!!

I have always believed that the first time is special.. but off late I see there is something more special about the second time of anything. Second time is when you know what you do not like and work your best to not get to face it. You close your eyes and mentally shout to be strong to concentrate on things you like the most MOST...There is the pressure of playing cool about your past yet the ease with which you are accepted. The obvious concern which you never expected, with a pinch of neglect of which you had been talking to yourself about. You tremble at first because it is a change after all, new faces, new names, new attitude but this time you are more confident about yourself. You start liking yourself more. There is definite guilt of why you didn't make it work the time before or the doubt of how things would be if you only had pushed a little harder but then it feels nice to tell yourself "why not"? Why not try everything this time because you know what you missed out on the last time and of what could go bad and how best to avoid it.

It's the simpler feelings and thoughts related to any second time which I feel makes it more special. Second College - only determination, Second kiss - simply connected, Second Ice Cream in a day- heaven when you need it most, Second Rank - propeller, Second time watching that pathetic movie - strong blind believe, Second go at love - passionate about it, Second chance - protective towards it, Second Hospital visit - hope, Second touch - Strong attention, Second Glance - curious surety, Second Question - attention grabbed, the Second 'Time' - satisfaction with increased want.

So the second time leaves you loved, motivated, relaxed, clearer in the head and pepped up for being a part of the bigger game. It has been a full on double doze of drama, fun, relieve and experience of a life time which tells me to buckle up for more. Thanks A, A, A, B and a place called my EX-OFFICE.

Priority

Well at this point I don't have much to say or talk about...I have gone numb. But something that has been bothering me is "how do I prioritize things in my life?" As in as taught in my Masters; are there aspects of delineation that need to be followed? If Yes then who sets them because I surely cannot.
I mean as I slog to maintain a perfect balance between the Faculty's wishes and the Student's wishes and my Boss's wishes as a coordinator.. who is my priority? The students want me to understand their problems, the Faulty wants them to learn and my Boss just wouldn't give in. What I do is try my level best to juggle with them and then get hit hard by one of them. While I work is my priority to be happy with what I am doing, make the boss happy or just let it be...coz for sure my boss being happy would make me happy but the thing that would make him happy may not make me happy directly. Now, now, now People would suggest the easiest thing to do "COMPROMISE", but dear beings of the living world I would only be able to compromise on one thing if I'd be able to Prioritize the other right? So I have successfully brought you back to the same question "What is my Priority"?
As I have grown to become a beautiful, confident and independent women madly in love with people, her work, her study and her desire to earn loads of money, I realize that my ability to prioritize has diminished further. I want to party but my loved ones want me to be careful; I want to be careful but I get bored, so I go party and then I have forgotten all about my loved ones wanting me to be careful. I want to work in core firms, but there isn't much money to offer, but i want that too and my parents want me to do further studies and get into the government sector which would eventually get me settled in life and get me money but I cannot afford not to be sitting around doing nothing all day as the trend goes and I want to go abroad for a PHD, but that again calls for money and I don't have that and for me to have money I need to work, but I want to work in a core firms... so AAARRRGGGGGGHHH. I want friends but friends want more and I cant give them more than friendship and then want em to be okay with that and I cannot face it and so I cannot be friends with the people I loved to have as friends...so simply "HOW DO I PRIORITIZE"?
The blog is open to suggestions.... 

SILVER JUBILEE

It’s been 2 months since my birthday and I finally decided it is high time that I complete the blog. So even if I have messed up the beginning I shall WRITE AWAY TO GLORY and jot down everything I remember I have learnt each year till I celebrated a smashing 25.

0-1: I mean you can’t expect much from me right away now, can u? I learnt gaga gugu, that everything is different…I had to call someone Mama and Dadda and YEAY I had limbs I could throw all over and lay down the whole time yet feel active and that I was excused for wetting the bed and getting myself all stinky…PHEW, I did learn a lot.

1-2: I learnt there is nothing better than hugging your mum and sleeping off while listening to nursery rhymes and of course how u can fall in love with bournvita in all state.

2-3: I learnt UNITY… in pre nursery. I wailed to glory with my fellow ‘below 3’ classmates as their mothers adored them from outside the classroom.

3-4: Survival of the fittest and those who have loads of mummy’s prayers backing them to get into a proper school. I mean blame it on the system but I had to go through interviews and entrances at that young an age.

4-5: BIRTHDAY PARTIES ROCK and two cakes are a must. However I understood what missing someone really meant and how a Grand dad could totally make your world awesome.

5-7: Apart from a lot of academic things I learnt it was shear bliss to take back home sand filled shoes which would make your mummy cry, not eat tiffin which would make her cry and scold you and not to write down classwork so that your teacher would call your parents and it would make you mom look so scary that you…you probably burst out laughing.

8-11: Well I was mature now. Couldn’t afford to roam around like Mowgli and not be scolded, had to limit my TV timings, learn how to get to outer-space and join the army of space robots, manage interesting extra-curricular with highly uninteresting studies and a lot more. Learnt football then learnt I couldn’t learn it, learnt volleyball and it went the same way, learnt singing..CLASSICAL SINGING and God don’t even ask me what happened (it remained as a matter of one hour when I remarkably sneaked out to play as my MASTERMOSHAI … slept off over his cup of Tea), and finally settled for Karate, Painting, Dancing , Swimming, Cycling, Badminton and finishing homework almost in time. These were few of those brilliantly sparkling years when I learnt even though it is fun to play with boys, it is even cooler to bash them up and hit them…make them pay… Thanks Sohi.

11-12: I completed all my projects on my own without Daddy’s help and gosh it felt so good. After each one I religiously performed one of those “Grease” boogie dances…Ta DA…Tadana…OWWnnn… I guess during this time I was officially introduced to alcohol under parental guidance and I couldn’t make sense out of it.

12-16: My ‘be a P.I.T.A teenager’ years. Beautiful they were. Full of backstreet boys, normal boys we hung out with, dreamy ones we had crushes on, inter school fests, shorts skirts, lots of time to have Dosa, Sidney Sheldons and Cosmopolitans. Each day was made special with talks of SWAT CATS, NINJA TURTLES, how cute Jhonny Quests eyes were, Britney’s music, little of ‘look how that guy looks’ and loads of Tiffin sharing. Each week was wondrous as we galloped off for day spends and night outs after atleast 16 hours of fights with our parents. I learnt putting on weight is easy but to handle it no no…partied real hard with friends – without friends, with parents – without parents… nothing really mattered. Secretly evolved erotic knowledge and Biology later clarified our doubts. Ranks were things your parents worry about, then later they say they don’t and again tell you that are genuinely worried about them.

16-18: ‘Not So Much of a Pain’ teenager years. For sure I understood that Love hurts before even I had officially fallen in love with someone and how no matter what ‘Friends always Rock’. I learnt teachers are really good friends too and that growing up is lot more complicated than fun. For a change ranks did matter and no matter what, a child has to make up her mind as to what she wants to do ones she is out of school, no matter how cool and less worried she wants to be …SHE has to be worried. However these years we were introduced to the pleasures of being seniors and bullying the Kid…muahahahhaahaha (devil’s laugh). I also learnt if you have to learn to ride a bike, you need to sneak it out while your parents are sleeping, see if your tiny cousin can ride it, drop her into the drain and learn it all by yourself.

18-19: The human mind did seem complicated. People who behaved rude were sweethearts later, people who were best buddies often spoilt everything for you, first kisses were not always special and there are far too many people on this earth to be understood always. I mean gosh college scared me but I started loving it, I loved Biology but quite lost touch of it; bought booze, had Desi Liquor, puffed my first puff, gave ragging, sneaked out, made 10 runs if I managed to hit a Six, laughed and cried and did it all. Did a lot of First Times and learnt face the world alone.

19-21: Blissful room sharing, adjusting but not always giving up, cycle rides into huge hay stacks, mornings full of steaming Chai – Samosa, Dancing uptill 3 in the morning, Choreographing to release stress, ragging juniors, going on tours, Drinking with seniors, being saved by classmates, rock show, beach walks. A lot many more first times and much more of facing the world all alone. But not forgetting to enjoy every part of it.

21-23: Finally the guy I want. I accepted that instinctive decisions may not always be right but they are always fun. The repair can be done over time. How Parantha and Veg Machurian had become a hot favorite combo and how much more I missed being fed by Ma. These years taught me that change is always refreshing; be it a whole new lot of classmates, or a shift from College to work and back; it should be welcomed with open arms.

23-25: Malls and Discs may seem enticing but big cities are scary… there is a lot more to deal with apart from arrogant service providers, “I will eat you away” looks and monkey in the hostel room. However it is in these years that I learnt that after a point of time you cannot make people happy with everything you do, God is mostly not good to good people, breaking a bone must have been a thing to do when you were 12 but definitely doesn’t work now and you don’t really need 2 cakes to make a birthday party rock.

There are things I learnt, things I gave up but much more to look forward to. So CHEERS to me.

MEN, WOMEN and STARS

MEN- sports drive them around or may be they want to be driven by it. It was his engagement. There was soft Music playing and love in the air. His bride to be looked gorgeous in her White chiffon sparkling saaree. There was a slow dance and a twirl. He pecked her on the cheek and twirled her again. Then gently glided through the crowd to get his lady a drink and before anyone knew it, he was in front of the LCD cheering at Kohli's strikes and shouting his head off. The boys patted each other and swore loud enough not to be heard by the in-laws and all it took was a tight hug and a light peck again to erase off the anger. THERE, IT'S DONE.

WOMEN-they are full of excuses. I slept off couldn't pick up your phone, when the phone blinked as she was getting her pedicures done ( the hands are not even used ). Couldn't do the work, was not well (was sleeping). Oh shit! phone was on silent and i was sleeping ( partying babesss.. she partied all night long). and the game goes on till she is out of stock and is ready to use her next resort "change of topic", if it works good if not then all she can do it either bang the phone down and cry in front of her friends or just cry over the phone. whatever the case may be the work is done and she wins again. ;)

STARS- movie watching and book reading in the past 7 years have taught me to be a Star, Superstar u not just got to have a hobby you follow passionately but also you got u have a broken heart. Like every other kid i want to become one eventually but am scared of a broken heart, hate a huge ego and am blurred about what my hobbies really are.

At this point the star gets lost in a fight between the Man and the Woman. OR MAY BE THE STAR IS BEING BORN.

yeh delhi hai mere yaaar

Again I m in my office... which is a pretty fun one, for a change. However the city is strange. For one thing it's very very unpredictable. The day temperatures are above 25 but you can never miss the foggy mornings. People treat their very well maintained 8m wide main roads as 12 lane express ways and to top it off they shout at the pedestrians if they walk an inch out of the side walks. The most lovely autowalas do not use there meters unless u call the traffic police. All prices are 3 times more than the prices back home. People understand no other taste other than that of milk or milk products(always used in huge quantities). It's holi round the corner but they are bursting crackers on the streets... beat that. Boys here are brainless and girls are of 2 categories only... chinkies or "straight highlighted haired khol born wierd eyed" ones.... rest u will hardly notice coz they are slogging all day long.
Still i have been told this is City has a style of it's own and a class no other city can match up to... I m still to discover.

almost done

it is as if history is repeating itself. new responsibilities. a sudden expectation to act more mature than u are. showing you are ready when u know you want another year. letting go and grasping on to more than you can take. it's like a deja vu... like you have lived it all and are expected to live it again.
WAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE ALMOST DONE?
relatives flooding in with favours. with "beta yeh bana do" "beta yeh design kar do". in the campus all familiar comforting faces disappear and new ignorant ones appear. you sigh and punch a big damn every time you meet a wonderful person but realize you don't have much time left.
You suddenly remeber days when you were pampered. Disciplined and spoilt at the same time. Alot of 9/10ths add up to 2/10ths to make it last for more than the 5 years of LIFE.
You formulate the stages of smoking in the outdoors:
- stage 1 - run and hide when u see a prof.
- stage 2 - ignore if u see a prof and carry on
- stage 3 - wish him and carry on.
- stage 4- smile and talk to him after the job is done. take a lift back to the class.
- stage 5 - build in your confidence. sit, share and discuss. ( you are leaving anyways).
every road and corner of the college feels speacial. first song with your senior, last dance with the juniors, first kiss on a quite sunday, outdoor maths class, first shopping spree, crossing the great river.
what really happens when it is all done is you are too full of emotions. you got be strong for others, happy coz it's gonna be a brand new start, sad to let go of wat became an integral part of you, stressed due to the pressure of the system. All you can do when it is almost done; is pray for it to be a happy ending.

a child again

I am sitting dumb with a broken leg...well almost broken listening to an awesome track i really want to dance on but...neways. Its been raining for 2 days now and the water is ankle deep in our courtyard, the so called "archi courtyard". Suddenly I hear a long "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiittt for me. I'll make a boat, too." She rushed into my room franctically looking for a paper which was right there in front of her nose. Anyways the Boat was finally constructed and soon 23 years old 9/10 architects were shouting and dancing in the rain, playing with tiny paper boats. They all looked cuter than 3 years olds. Making thier slippers float on the water and then cursing the other one for drowning it. The rain started to slow down and almost immediately ther were loud out bursts of "pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeee make it rain harder". How could he no listen to such innocent requests and soon thier prayers were answered. They splashed water and ducked from it. They ran away from wrigling worms to end up closer to another one. It was then I realized how much I miss being a kid.
The days when an hour of " A B C D " earned us hours of laughter, dirt, punches and cycle races. When feeding the stray dog was more important than eating our tiffin on time. When we used to beat up friends and then get chased by them for miles and miles, but all in a good spirit. When we used to roam around in our underwears and pretend to be mowgli. When the only way to define a person was to either call him good or bad; not egoistic or arrogant or goodhearted but boring or charming but mean.
Its boring to grow up actually. To earn independence when complications of thoughts come as a complimentary gift with it.

last dance

I succeded in finishing this 1 only in the fifth go. Hope I can get my message through.
The night is amazing boy and I wish you would be here. Its slightly chilly and a warm sheet and coffee would work just fine. I m in the room staring at my snoring roommate when suddenly this wierd thought passed me. In about 3 months time life would change completely for us.
We wouldn’t have anyone to help us study stuff, anybody to cover us up when we are shivering or anybody to shout at us and tell us that we are wrong. No one to fight for another chance and no one who would easily understand when we are lying. No walks down the long road and no more sneaky kisses. No one we could tease without thinking what he would think and no one to tell a sorry to when we have hurt them.
I guess going to the practices is even worse because each day when I see the people I love the most doing the thing I love the most, I realize this may be my last dance. Today i felt their won’t be people who would say “P.G. please aap aao naa kitna maza aa raha thaa dance mien”. Nobody to shout at for not doing the steps right and hardly anyone who would put in their 100% to make me happy with their performance. No one to create sensational dances with and no one to support you for synchronization.
It was this one cool spring night 4 years back when the T.V. room had witnessed two strangers come together to celebrate their most worthy possession but now it has come to this. Counting their last breath; because for me giving the last performance would get as painful as death due to slow poisoning. These 1.5 months of practice would be like seeing myself getting amputed. There was a lot planned but a lot more happening and somewhere inside the voice keeps pushing me to enjoy this performance to my fullest. Suddenly all “bol B.I.T ka tempo high hai” and “ bol B.I.T. halla bol” will be nothing more than faint memories we would be smiling at. I guess this time the lights would hurt the eyes more than it usually did and the audience would be nothing more than voices of devils saying “There won’t be a next time. Hahahahahhaaha(devil’s laugh).” Its gonna hurt real bad this time.
Oh how I wish I would never have to give up on this one thing, the ambience, the group, the vibe. Even the ideas of discs now feels disappointing.
However I guess one will have to move on. With my last dance will come the “first chance to do many more things.”
Miss you guys and keep dancing.

heal the world

The rains just dont seem to come. i mean all that was green now lay black. the crickets wern't doing thier job because they had been burnt to death and the hills seemed just so tired of standing there welcoming guests. Shimla seemed like Chandni chowk and to my surprise the temperature there was just above 28 degrees. the last i remember we used to freeze even during May. The Capital city was nothing more than a big bowl of toxic waste. The already black water of Yamuna was now green and areas of it gave out a horrible smell. People still are not aware of thier mistakes and seem to have grown use to the power cuts and minimal water supply. The huge greens within the city could be seen as a big cover up to people who'd look beyond the huge flyovers and state of the art malls. Its' not that such problems are not seen in my city or I am any less to blame than the ones i am pointing fingers at but just that these places were like beautiful paradises when i had last visited them. My summer trip just made me realize we need to stop. stop immediately, take a look around and start healing the world or we'll die a very sad death.

15 gone ... 30 more to go

15 up 30 more to go
hmmm quite an expirirence i must say... 2 days after the first i never thought i wud survive...but then a gardian angle told me... hey! give it sometime and u'll see the wine make wonders and i think i can feel it already... thanks for the suggestions...the "pooooooooooooja, why arn't you here's?" changed to " i'll talk to you later. doing some work now". neways, it's all for the best.i remember before joining my professor had told me that there wasn't much to learn in 6 weeks, but i say it's not true. i learnt a very valuble lesson. something which earns the lioness her food. to wait and watch. and attack at the right time. to be patient with everything. as i said after 15 days the office doesn't seem to be biting me. infact i keep myself busy and everything else just happens to happen. yeah i always keep calling the lord for a little help and guess wat she actually listens to me. i really think there is a little angle who keeps fluttering around us and catches our prayers every now and then and passes it on for processing. neways good music, a.c. and illegal access to the net has made the office life an adventure which i have to face. we kept thinking this place would be awesome or that office wud be great but nothing of the sort seems to be happening now. everyone is going through the same phase. some are smart enough to be putting up a show of confidence and the others are simply too cute to be lying. so just keep your fingers crossed and hope everything goes on smoothly. and don't forget to wish for what you want.

a change

As far as I knew myself... I thought my tolerence limit towards west bengal was not more than 3 days and here I am. I have spent almost 3x15 days here and to tell u the truth it wasn't that bad.I mean u have to get use to the smell of sweat and being dreanched all the time. But thats all that is expected of you. Its like a huge circus. The scene just gets amusing with every changing minute.In "kolkata" 75% of the public has visited all the malls but only about 3% actually bought anything from those shops. People love to go visit "the food courts", quote names of restaurants like "nola, sigree, mainland" but prefer eating on the roads. Its a city where non vegetarians can have a lavish meal in just 40 bucks where as vegetarians have to have atleast a 100.On this very bright and extremely sunny sunday at "new market" where the poshest of all beggars could be spoted, one may actually ask you to treat him to a kwality walls ice cream and if u are in front of a temple ;then mind it. How dare you give the "holy prasad" off to the beggars. A women supposedly belonging to the "bpl category" was complaining of suffering from Diabetes because of the pedas and that she atleast expects a 10rs. note from the "generous one".It is believed that the Madwaris are the miser lot but here in kolkata people are bold enough to ask; actually shout out in a restaurant if they would be charged for the finger bowls.I believe this must be the only state whish goes inactive during afternoons because "babura bhaat kheye ghoomate jaan" (rice works more or less as a sedative, but in the new world many have become immuned to it).Due to high security alerts and thefts in the "national museum" you are ask not carry any baggage. Polybags of any sort are not allowed however u can fold it and put it in your pocket and take it in. It is not of any danger the moment it is in your pocket just make sure the guard doesnt see it. THIS WAS ADVICED BY TEH GURD HIMSELF.But the most beautiful part of this place is that no one has forgotten or will forget its cultural values, the rich history or literature. Be it from rolls of the ancient badshah restaurant to the long entry lines for the victoria, pride for thier land clearly shows from amongst the ones who've stayed and seen this place change.You could only understand thier love, if u could see a 85 year old government retired doctor cry his heart out while he tells his growing grand daughter of how he lost his uncle to the war of freedom. If only you could see him smile when he tells you how a common doctor could smell and predict the illness and how he dreamed to make a city out of a "salty lake"; If only u could see him worry of how the pollution has eaten away victoria's true colour. if only we could see kolkata through his eyes.This one month has taught me to look beyond everything i hate about Kolkata and give it a try. It isn't as horrifying as i thought.Hope you visit this place soon and really like it.

at office

this is only to begin with...
i m in the office and u can guess how much work i have been appointed by the fact that i have started writing blogs sitting in here.
It's funny to see how a summer internship can change your viewpoint. You always knew a person, who would never mail you leavealone call u up and one day when u are sitting at your desk doing nuthing great at all when a little pop up displays "it's quite lonesome here." then u can feel it and relate. it made me rush to the loo so taht i could cry and get back to "professional" before anyone oculd see me. you always thought the maximum you could be online is for 4 hours at a stretch but suddenly net has now becoem like your life line. You thank god your office is equipped with it.
you realize how addicted u have grown to people that you can't do without speakign to them atleast 7-8 times the whole day. slowly, one starts feelign she has played all the games on facebook.
after the 8th semester you think you cnat possible look at the black screen nemore...and in the office you sit tight with your finger's crossed , murmuring "god, please make my boss realize, i can design,on autocad, using my brain."
its funny how we look forward to these trainings, snare at friends, mysteriously call offices, make big plans, prepare big portfolios, flaunt it off. but in the end nuthing really matters